Surprisingly I have been thinking a lot about going back. Early this summer, I was dying to go back. Now, I have made such an amazing bond with some CHC people that my heart is torn. It feels like the end of high school again. Also, I think it is because the majority of my close ones in Wheaton already graduated. I have been having a good feeling about this school year, a lot of dreams and goals this school. One of them is to visit Chicago more and to take more pictures. However, if God wants to refine me and discipline me (which I am in need a lot of), it’s going to be another hard year. Last year, it was hard, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don’t like pain, but I do like the reason for pain. Softening the heart towards God. I want my heart to melt before God, to crumble and shatter just looking at Him or even callin’ out His name, because of His greatness and loveliness. This is a dangerous desire. God doesn’t give soft hearts. He makes soft hearts. Maybe this is another reason my heart is torn to go back. I will go through some flames. But God is good, if I can sum up God in a few words, it is that God is so so so so so good. His goodness is undeniable. His goodness is so evident that it is easier to know that than to know that I have fingers. His goodness is more tangible than the netbook I am typing on. This summer has been so good, I want to carry it back to Wheaton and then some.
Lord, I desire this dangerous desire. To have my heart soften to learn your ways. God, I thank you that you are my joy. God, I thank you that you are good. God, I thank you that you are my God. Truly truly, I will ask for none other than you. When I ask for you, heaven and the skies are rendered because you desire me more than I desire you. Truly truly, you wanted me first and for that I thank Thee. All the honor, power, and glory to your name. Amen.
