It’s only been like 3 days. But i got this conviction at day one. I shared this with my dear brother Sang Hyuck. I was really let down, but God encouraged me. I realized I have nothing to offer. If I have a talent, someone else has it better than me. I cannot boast in my knowledge of the Bible or God because I am really nothing compared to scholars here in Wheaton. I don’t have profound thinking, I usually am impressed by profound thinking and share it. This solemn thought rested on my heart. After moving in, I was in my ginormous triple room alone, sitting in front of my desk and stared into space. And thought, “God, I really have nothing to offer, I have no basis for boasting in myself. It is humbling, but really discouraging God.”
After Panama missions, people always say “bring that fire back to school!” My school is dead zone in a lot of areas. I am going to say it straight forward. There are a lot of unbelievers and pagans in Wheaton. There are a lot of Christians who just say Jesus is savior, but beyond on that there is no relationship. A lot of people here carry the world than Christ’s name. I know I carry the world too and I am deeply sorry God, but people live here as if Jesus is nothing to them but a ticket to escape hell. And I only say “a lot” because it is more than what a Christian College should host. (But there are a lot of genuine, God loving, God focused, God centered brother and sisters here. It is an encouragement indeed.) So indeed in many areas, there is a need for a Holy Spirit sanctification movement.
But I have nothing to offer. I know and I know and I know that I have the Holy Spirit in me, living and transforming me. That is the only thing in me that is good that I could ever possibly offer. So don’t just say to me offer that, because I already know. This conviction is from the Holy Spirit indeed. I have been priding in my knowledge and passion. He has been convicting that I have absolutely NOTHING. If I have one thing, there is ALWAYS someone better than me.
So in my new room, I am sitting down on my chair about to cry because I feel so useless and inadequate.
But God is too good to be depressed for one second in my lifetime.
Though there will always be someone better than me for this generation is learning quick and passionate, which I praise God for. I believe God gave me a gift of serving. It is not sharpened yet, it needs a lot of work. I am a sinner obviously. But man, I am willing to offer my barely-guitar skills for leading praise, but more than that my willingness to serve and praise God. I am willing to offer my body to work at the food services for my school payments, but more than that my willingness to serve and praise God.
Hahahaa, this school year is going to be so hard. I can feel it. Already miss Cali so much. One commitment I must make, more personal time with God. Morning prayers. And reading and studying the Word. Also, talking with God throughout the day.
